Perhaps Love….

Cosmic Shaman & Spiritual Guide

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don’t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
Oh, love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don’t know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it’s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
~ John Denver

In 1988 at age 14 I met and fell head over heels in love with my first crush, Wayne, 17. My best friend was dating his friend called John and I remember her Italian mama finding it very funny that we are dating “John Wayne”. Long story short, I was dumped very tactfully after a month or two because he was being called a cradle snatcher by his class buddies. I was heartbroken but went on with my first year of high school, head held high yet keeping an eye on the girls that he decided to date after me, subconsciously comparing and debating as to what they had or did that I couldn’t match….. The first wall of mature love was built when I consciously decided that this hurts too much – no man shall ever dump me again! “Chin up sister, be strong, independent and always ahead of the game” I would coach myself. To be blind-sided is no fun and the only result is you basically cannot trust anyone. A pivotal moment to say the least

Fast forward to 13 January 1989, 2 days before my 15th birthday and I meet my first true love. I am new to relationships and he came home from Army to find a “dear John” letter waiting for him. Perhaps he was desperate to fix his ego and I was just young and immediately infatuated with the interest being shown. As I am 15 and he just turned 21, we date for 8½ years before getting married in 1997. This was a wonderful relationship where we travelled the country, made many friends from all walks of life, formed lifelong bonds with many dear people, saw weird and wonderful places while dreaming of a grand future together, being married and raising a family. We didn’t have a lot of money but somehow didn’t feel the need for it either. We found pleasures in the simple things like a bbq by the beach, a pint in the pub etc.

After being left an inheritance from my grandmother I decided to sell the property and we moved to Namibia to start our own restaurant in October 1998. This dream was very short-lived as he was involved in a severe motorbike accident with the restaurant’s manager 5 months later. The boy was killed on impact and my husband sustained severe head trauma and some lifelong physical damage to his leg, arm and eyesight. He spent 3 months in a coma, 2 more at the state hospital recovering and when he came home I realized with a shock that, besides the fact that he was blind because of irreparable optic nerve damage, he also lost 10 years’ memories. In his mind he was about 17 again and on his way to the beach to “go check out the ladies”. This was a tough one….. I couldn’t tell him who I was nor could I show him photos! I was devastated, 25 and have never felt lonelier. My anchor and security was gone. I’ve never been this alone and had no family support near me. December 1999 he left via airplane for a “holiday” with his parents back in the Western Cape while I continued to work in the restaurant but I just knew in my gut he would never return. I continued to work in the restaurant with the other partner but eventually I had to face facts. By May 2000 I called his parents and said the decision was made to proceed with a divorce, that I would give him half of the shares for free seeing as he would never be able to work again. Shortly thereafter I was packed and on my way back to Cape Town myself. I sold my shares for next to nothing eventually and believe they did the same for him.

During this roller-coaster ride I also met my future 2nd husband. Be that as it may, he was a loving kind soul and we spent 10 years together, trying to recover from first marriages, broken hearts, loss of love, money and stability. I loved him and his family dearly but the much needed spark always seemed to elude our relationship. Unfortunately a leopard also never changes spots and in 2010 he decided to also cheat on me like he did his first wife. I can continue to speculate that this was the first time or call him all sorts of names but I am taking ownership of the fact that I married a man knowing full well what he did in a previous marriage and that there will always be a chance of this happening again. I just decided to give him the benefit of the doubt back then as I believed everyone can make a mistake, that perhaps not everybody is compatible but mostly because everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?

And then I re-connected with my “3rd time lucky” person….. Bless Social Media and mutual friendships!